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6 Blocks To Communicating Your Sexual Needs and What You Can Do About It

"What we've got here, is a failure to communicate..."

- Captain, Road Prison 36, from the movie Cool Hand Luke

I know sometimes its difficult enough to figure out what you want to say, much less how your partner is going to hear it. And even if you have an idea of what you want to say, you may be hesitant to do so. When it comes to sex, there are many potential blocks to honest communication. Many of these blocks can be due to irrational fears and beliefs. Here are some of the most common ones I have heard.

1. You don't want to hurt your partner's feelings.

(However, by not communicating your needs, you are hurting them more, because if they really love you they want to please you.)

2. You are embarrassed to ask for what you want.

(You need to get over that! It's perfectly okay to ask for what you want; after all, you deserve to have the best sex life possible.)

3. You think your partner should already know what you want.

(In reality, the only way they are going to know is if you teach them. Your body is different from anybody else.)

4. You feel you somehow don't "deserve" to be pleasured.

(This is probably one of the most common, and yet most irrational, blocks of all. You do deserve pleasure, and so does your partner. And pleasure is about giving and receiving.)

5.You feel that if you ask for what you want, it will somehow ruin the mood.

(Yet the mood will already be ruined if you or your partner are not getting what you want and you don't ask.)

6. It's supposed to "just happen."

(Maybe that's the way it is in the movies, but in real life, the belief that "it's just supposed to happen" is like thinking a gourmet meal is supposed to happen without preparation or that your going to have an itch on your back at the same time.

As I noted above, these are just some of the most frequent statements I have heard from people. Two ways to overcome these fears and beliefs is to simply let go of your expectations and start expressing yourself. In order for this to happen, the most important element is your willingness to shift your viewpoint to:

1. You deserve the best sex life possible.

2. The person who loves you wants to please you as much as you want to please them.

You want to know what feels best to your partner, and you want to know they feel safe asking for it. They will feel safe with you if you let them know what you want, while communicating to them that you are equally concerned with their wants and needs and they do not have to do anything they do not want to do. A great sex life is about giving and receiving pleasure..

Copyright 2008 Leah Schwartz Ph.D.

All rights reserved. Permission granted to reproduce, copy or distribute this article so long as this copyright notice and full information about contacting the author is attached.

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