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Forgiveness

You told me you loved me.

You lay with him.
His hands upon you
And more-
Because you wanted...

But you told me you loved me.

To you, it was not a sin.
You were newly free.
In your mind there was nothing to forgive.
In mine- I trusted you.

Because you told me you loved me.

Your decision
Slashed a gaping, bleeding wound.
I could not sleep the night after you told me
But I loved you for your honesty...
The questions kept coming.

To me, our love was a crystal clear pool
Fed by the springs of pure love.
Deep- able to see the tiniest pebbles at the bottom.
You threw putrid mud in that pool.
You dirtied it, sullied it, clouded it
Made it smell.

The questions kept coming.
Because you told me you loved me.

The tears would not stop.
Because you told me you loved me.

The unbearable pain that had to be borne would not stop.
Because you told me you loved me.

So I got a pump for the pool.
To clean it of the filth by feeding from my pure spring
To find a way to make the pool clear again

Because you told me you loved me.

Because after all the questions, I believed you
And I set the pump to work
In spite of the blood you caused to flow
In spite of the putrid mud
In spite of the pain

I asked myself if I truly loved you.
The answer was, ?Yes?.
I asked if I understood you.
The answer was, ?I have to if love is to survive.?
I asked if I could still trust you.
The answer was ?Yes?
Because you told me you loved me.

So I put myself in your place
Because you were newly free.
Despite the pain, despite the blood, despite myself
Because what is love if you cannot give and understand?
So I gave and understood.
...And forgave

To forgive is supposed to be divine.
I am not a God.
But if I cannot forgive
I am not human.

Because you said you loved me.
...Because I love you

Though you thought
It was not a matter to be forgiven
If I did not forgive
If I did not understand
Love would have been killed
There was no option
Not if I believed in love
Not if I believed in you

You killed 'the trust'
But that was my trust, not yours.
Not once did you kill
But again
And again
And again
I bore the unbearable pain that tried my soul

Because you told me you loved me.

Because, deep down, I still trusted you.
I believed in you.
I believed in your heart of hearts.
I believed you were not, deep down, lying to me

When you said you loved me.

It?s been a while.
The gaping wound has healed, though there is a scar.
The tears still come sometimes, unbidden, unseen by you
But the love I have for you has not died.
The pool is clear

I?m glad I forgave you.
Glad that we are still together
That I made the effort to understand you
That we can smile and laugh together

Because I love you
Because you said you love me.
Nothing can be killed.

I believe.

~ Pete Bolte

 

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